O Me Miserum

Okay, let's see. I've had a biopsy, teeth removed, tube and valve inserted. I seen the Radio and Chemo therapists. The Dietician, the Hearing Specialist, the Nutritionist and Speech Therapist. They've injected me with radioactive materials then checked the reaction of my kidney. They've stuck needles in my neck repeatedly a la Takashi Miike's Audition (and the doc was an Oriental woman - reassuring). I have had CT UD and MRI scans. I think I'm ready for the Main Attraction

Let the real fun start.

Actually week one was pretty much a blur. The chemo made sure of that. You are left with very little equilibrium and no energy at all. It feels like someone has put a hand inside you and pulled out the duracells. Any effort at all results in utter exhaustion, so that brushing you teeth becomes a mammoth task and you need to have a lie down afterwards. Being an idle bastard you would think that this would suit me, but no, it's disabilitating and for the first time I'm beginning to feel like an invalid. I have to cross roads at traffic lights, can't run for buses. I feel old.

Happily this passes within about a week, unhappily as it goes it nods hello to the side effects of the radiotherapy on their way in. They did warn me that that there was no hard and fast on this but I was hoping for about three or four weeks before this shit happened - nothing doing. The inside of my mouth feels like a car crash. Not really sure what's going on in there - frightened to look - but it's painful. I'm still manfully struggling with soups and custards but it's getting harder to open my mouth to put stuff in. It's frustrating and wears you out. I can bear the pain long enough to get several mouthfuls of solid food in but after a few the pain arm wrestles the hunger down and wins again. Back to the milk shakes.

I've almost given up smoking since each fag is now an exercise in masochism. Light up, inhale, mouth goes on fire, stub it out. Same with booze. Nothing to do with willpower My booze appetite gland has been knocked out by the therapy so I have no desire at all for alcohol. I've had the odd half here and there but didn't really want those. Now this is strange. NO DESIRE TO DRINK. Someone is re-programming me. Maybe I'll sober up and become really prolific at something.. Needlepoint or macrame or something equally useful.

Stay tuned for more carcinomic capers

Psycho Radio GaGa

The radiotherapy is very strange indeed. Tied down to a bed with your gimp mask on and pinned to the guerney. The feedback from the Chemo kind of hangs in your system making you feel like very spaced out most of the time and with the morphine and the radio on top it all gets seriously weird most of the time. Not sure what's going on.

Feeling pretty lost at the moment, unsure where I am or what is happening.

It's all I can do to get into London Bridge most days.

Got a week end off now from all treatments for a few days - hopefully I'll gain some equilibrium. Spooky as all fuck at the moment,